Thursday, June 14, 2018

take it with a grain of salt


One of my readers asked if i could talk about becoming a stepmother. 

its a topic i myself have read blogs on because at first i didn't know what to expect or how to be a step mom. 

blend·ed fam·i·ly
noun
NORTH AMERICAN
  1. a family consisting of a couple and their children from this and all previous relationships.

I knew how to be a mom to my own children but i just wasn't sure how i could be a mom to my husbands children. 

becoming a stepmother doesn't only consist of the children but it also consist of my stepchildren mother sharing them with me. Instead of just two parents sharing the responsibility of raising children it has become three parents. 

Fast forward- my husband and I got married after 3 months of dating. It was a HARD pill to swallow for some people and despite any one's opinions We did it and we loved every minute of vowing to spend the rest of our lives with each other. 

I vowed to protect, support, and guide our children through their lives. 



When my husband and I first started dating i awkwardly could not get out of preschool teacher mode. I was so used to treating our son that way(because i was his teacher at one point) that i couldn't turn it off. 

I realized that I cant go 30 years being their teacher because that's not who i am to them anymore. 

I had the pleasure of knowing my stepdaughter since she was a teeny tiny baby, but again I was more than a teacher. I was her step mom. 

It took the children a little bit to understand the concept of me becoming their stepmother. our son was not opposed to it at all. I felt like he was happy and handled it well. I gave him so many opportunities to open up to me and be himself. we have/and had countless Nerf gun fights and jam out sessions in the car. i knew he'd adjust beautifully. He already knew me. The transition of our son sharing his home with his new stepmother and stepsister made him excited and he was a gentlemen through it all. 

Now, my stepdaughter understanding the concept was different. she was two and half, she didn't really know me or connect with me. at first we had an instant connection and she was excited to have someone new in her life but that's as far as it got for a little while. she became aware of the fact that another women was, dressing her, doing her hair, telling her what she should and should not do. Someone other than her mother. she started to say little things that hinted me and my husband that not everyone was on the same page and we NEEDED everyone on the same page in order for our children to be happy and feel loved by everyone. With daughters Ive come to realize you have to take it with a grain of salt. Will she wake up and love me today or will she wake up and see me as mommy dearest? I never pushed my stepdaughter to like me or spend time with me. I let her come to me. I let her feel it out first. I prepare myself every day for the (you're not my mom) comment. it'll probably still sting but i have to be prepared, because I'm not her mother nor will i ever be. but i am someone that will love her, guide her, protect her, and support her. I will share many wonderful moments with her as i will my stepson, but i will never be their mother and I'm OK with that. my ONE AND ONLY concern is that they are safe, happy and healthy. 

My stepchildren's mother have to share her children. I have to share my child with her father's girlfriend. In a divorced/separated household those are possibilities that one parent does not have control of among other things. How others choose to deal with such realities is their choice. I however choose my children and their happiness. It's only about my children nothing more, nothing less. we aren't friends, but we share one connection and that is our children and for our children to know they are loved, and because of them they create joy. We do a good job at it and because of that our children feel good. We go to important events for them and we cheer them on. It isn't about us and how we feel. it isn't about whether we like one another. its about our kids. 




So i take it with a grain a salt......

  • Have patience, they are learning about you as much as you are learning about them

  • don't be a doormat, show them who you are, what you like, what you don't like. they may not be your biological children but you plan  to spend your life knowing and raising them . 

  • love them on their good days, and on their bad days. love them its what they need. nothing is more hurtful than feeling like your stepparent doesn't love you, like you, or want you. 

  • communicate! communicate with your children, their parents, and everyone else involved in raising them. 

  • do not smother. i repeat do not smother. -self explanatory. 

  • let them come to you, they will when the time is right, continue to be kind and loving during those tough moments when you don't feel a connection. 


as for being the step-parent and dealing with the child's mother or father....

  • stay kind no matter what

  • communicate clearly 

  • demand respect and tolerate nothing less

  • don't get involved in the debates/conflicts between your spouse and the other parent 

  • share in the responsibilities of making your children happy, keeping them safe and healthy

  • show the other parent respect

  • don't talk bad bout each other in front of your children. it is so BEYOND DAMAGING. this is someone they love and care for and to hear you talk bad about that person is damaging to their spirit and confidence in that person. they have to trust their father, mother, stepmother, stepfather with their lives and with you speaking negatively about them just puts a damper on them feeling secure with this person. along with sucking them into a negative lifestyle of worrying about others instead of focusing on themselves and creating their own happiness. 


**here are some children's books that can be used as resources for when your children might have difficulty understanding ! 

29 comments:

  1. You are doing the right thing. Being a stepmother is tough, but patience is the key here. Also, children are sensitive to these things, that's why it is better not to rush things and take it slow.

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    1. Thank you for commenting ! Patience is certainly key. I have been blessed with lots of it thanks to my younger siblings :)

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  2. It is a tough job to be a stepmother because the children already have a mother that they know. I give you so much credit and your tips are great for any stepmother to follow.

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    1. Thank you for commenting ! Very true. I was lucky enough to know them before my husband and I dated. The transition happened very quickly but we made sure our children’s needs came first and we did a lot of communicating with them, spending time and being a family.

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  3. Blended families are difficult. I think you have done well. For fathers also it is a challenge.

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    1. Yes blended families are sometimes difficult. I was a little bit older when my parents divorced and my mother got remarried. It took a very long time to adjust and I struggled and so did my siblings but as time goes on I appreciate my stepdad he’s an amazing grandfather to our kids and I believe he was put in our paths for a reason because my children love him so much and he’s always smiling when he’s around them it’s a great feeling

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  4. Taking it with a grain of salt is a great way to look at things. We parents will make mistakes and need to move on.

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    1. Thank you for commenting ! Yes I agree ! As parents we have to take it day by day

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  5. You'll be a great step-mom, like others have said blended families are hard and you will do well, just keep your head up.

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    1. Thank you for commenting! So far I think I’m doing okay lol all of our kids are alive and well haha

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  6. you will be a great step-mom :) Patience, love, understanding and communication are key qualities. Good luck

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    1. Thank you for commenting! It’s been a good journey so far !

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  7. I can imagine this would be tricky. I'm sure you will do great though.

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  8. This runs in my family too. Lots of teachers in it who marry their student's parents. Kinda cool if you ask me.

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  9. Great article. It is very informative post.I'm sure you will do great though.

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  10. Aw. You'll get there! They'll understand when their a little bit older. Im a solo mom and its just me and my daughter.

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  11. I can relate to your story. Though in my side it’s so difficult for me adjusting everything. With the children of my husband from his x we are okay. The children were already 18 and 24. What’s so hard for me in adjusting is the x wife. Wherein, she still act like my husband’s wife. I almost give up my marriage and decided to go home. She don’t know how to respect me as the wife of my husband. Imagine, as a wife how would you feel that your husband’s birthday party is at his x wife’s house?because the x wife wants a surprise birthday party for my husband. Many times and many circumstances that I’m hurt like before every Sunday the x wife always go with us when we eat at a restaurant. Then all she’s doin is keep the talking about her past and my husband while me I’m so quiet listening to her but deep inside I’m so hurt. So when I got home I told my husband of how I feel. That I am human and feel hurt of what she’s doin. I’m just sharing to you how I feel and my situation. I salute to you of what your doin to your family.

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  12. You are definitely taking the right steps to becoming a great step mom! It all takes time and once you and the kids find the right spot you will be great!

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  13. I can only imagine how difficult it is. But as always, being patient and taking one day at a time is the key.

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  14. You have the right idea about how to deal and grow into a blended family. I haven't had to deal with that but I have friend who have and it can be a complex process. Congratulations good luck with your future journey!

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  15. You are doing good job. Take a little steps, don;t rush and you will achieve your goals. BTW first time I heard that is a 'blended family'

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  16. You sound like a great stepmum and it seems that you all are doing a brilliant job. Sometimes it can be really difficult, other times a breeze but you seem to be rocking it! It was interesting to read about your life.

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  17. Summer Mitch RyanJune 20, 2018 at 7:39 PM

    Hi dear, I really don't know what to say. I mean to be in your shoes must be tough. You're doing the best that you can and the fact that you're very reflective of this situation then it shows that you're in the right track.

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  18. This is the way of the modern family these days, I think. We're in a blended family and I like to think it's working well. :)

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  19. i love how you are so open about this arrangement and how open your mind is to accepting the responsibility. I wish your family success and love.

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  20. This is great info for people who have a blended family. I am sure it can be hard and challenging but it these tips are great way to grow together as a family.

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  21. It is a very tough job and at times it may get too much draining too. But I believe that patience is the key. Kids must be given due time to process things out :)

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  22. Okay this post got me right in the feels... My parents divorced 8 years ago, and my father remarried.. I wish My mom had a good or at least typical relationship with my "step-mom"... I know she'll never be my mom but she's something like a friend of mine.. anyways.. Be kind people.. Always!

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  23. This is a great post, I am a stepmother to two children and I have my own child too. Sometimes it's really hard to find the balance between everything but every day is a new learning curb x

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